Transgender
by EEevee
Summary: [complete!] Aoshi was having a normal day, doing normal things, and enjoying the normal flow when it happened. Now he has to sort out his inner demons while keeping Sanosuke at arms length and escaping the dreaded shopping. What’s a ga- er, guy to do?
1. Part One

Title: Transgender  
  
Author: Eeevee  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Aoshi was having a normal day, doing normal things, and enjoying the normal flow when it happened. Now he has to sort out his inner demons while keeping Sanosuke at arms length and escaping the dreaded shopping. What's a gir- er, guy to do? Aoshi began to wonder if maybe life as a pig would have been better...  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine, none of it. Watsuki etc owns Rurouni Kenshin and all characters. Kami own themselves. Enough said.  
  
WARNING: It is advisable to restrain from drinking and/or eating when reading this. My beta reader had some problems with choking.  
  
Aoshi was sitting in the temple as usual. He had been there, cramped in a most annoying position, since before dawn as usual. He had had a cold breakfast of rice as usual. The monks left him alone as usual. And Misao had already shown up once this morning as usual. As usual, sameness fulfilled Aoshi's sense of what was right in the world.  
  
So how was it that all that could go to the pigs in one instant?  
  
It wasn't like he had begged for his life to be flipped upside down by an irate Kami. He was in the business for a quiet life now. One where he wasn't required to do much of anything besides meditate and put up with a hyper Misao. Aoshi savored the ironic twist that everyone accused Sagara of freeloading yet said nary a word about Aoshi's free ride.  
  
Were they worried he would take it the wrong way and kill them? Unlikely as that was it was possible. People were so paranoid in these days of "peace" and "prosperity."  
  
He was in the middle of contemplating that rather vexing thought when a small, squeaky voice said authoritively, "Get out."  
  
Aoshi cracked one ice blue eye and didn't see the source of the noise. Opening both eyes had the same result. It wasn't until the monster bit him that he looked down.  
  
A cute, black piglet looked up with keen button eyes and grunted.  
  
Aoshi wasn't particularly interested in how such a little beast had earned the gift- gift?- of speech. What he did know was this one thing:  
  
"You are annoying." He informed the tiny slab of bacon.  
  
"Well, you are ticking me off!" The sausage retorted hotly in a distinctly female voice. Tiny hooves clicked on the stone floor as the pig paced. "Do you realize how irritating it is to have some stupid mortal moping in your home?"  
  
"You live here then."  
  
"Yes, I do as a matter of fact. Don't you dare say that it's a Buddhist temple. I was here long before that," said the piglet bristling indignantly.  
  
This was a new one. So his internal "torment" had even gained the attention of a God. He must really be messed up. "So you are Kami?" Aoshi questioned with a raised brow.  
  
"You're not too bright, are you? Tremble with fear mortal!"  
  
"Demons do not fear Gods." Aoshi spoke coolly. "Certainly not ones that take the appearance of food items."  
  
The Kami sniffed haughtily and growled, "Pigs are wonderfully intelligent animals who are quick to learn and are incredibly loveable. I was going to make you one to help you solve your problems, but you would make a terrible pig! So now you must choose!"  
  
Aoshi blinked. Why in the world would this deluded God think that being a pig was the answer to his problems?  
  
"Hmm, I must think of something appropriate." The Kami said pensively, "Do you want to be a child again or a woman?"  
  
"I wish to be neither." Aoshi replied honestly. He was leaving now... and never coming back.  
  
"No, you sit back down."  
  
"I have no wish to be a child again, not-." But before his calm, rational sentence was complete the Kami butted right on in.  
  
"Oooh a traumatic childhood?" She made a tsking sound and shook her head making the little pig ears flop comically, "Perhaps you were ridiculed for your lack of social grace? Weelll, I wouldn't want you to relive such a clearly traumatic time that has yet to end. But, you've never been a woman right? So there are no bad associations. Perfect!"  
  
"I fail-." Aoshi started to ground out.  
  
"So it's decided it!"  
  
Aoshi narrowed his eyes and protested, "I did not-."  
  
"You'll enjoy your new out look on life!" The walking meat God trilled happily.  
  
"Do not..." Aoshi trailed off uncertainly when he realized that there was a heavy weigh dragging his chest area down. He leaned back and carefully brought his hands up to explore the mounds that were once level flesh. "What..."  
  
"Breasts." The pig explained with a cheery grin looking very pleased, "You make a wonderful guinea pig Shinomori. I've never actually tried a gender switch, but you're perfectly gorgeous!" She empathized her pleasure with a particularly evasive poke at the extra flesh.  
  
He removed his person from her reach and glared down.  
  
"Change me back. If you do I promise to never return." Aoshi said giving his best ice laser look.  
  
"Not possible, and it's a bit late don't you think? If you hadn't been so stubborn... ah, perhaps I was a bit hasty." Shrug. "No matter. It will be broken automatically when you wrestle you inner demons and beat them down. Good luck!"  
  
Inner demons? Aoshi Shinomori didn't have inner demons. He was perfectly sane; therefore, it was just the rest of the world that didn't make sense. So how was he supposed to fix this?  
  
Then it hit him. How was he supposed to pee like this?  
  
He pushed that random, yet more than valid, thought out of the way. He'd jump that hurtle when it came up. At the moment, he was really wanting to know what he was going to do with Misao. He could hear her coming up the path screeching, er singing, at the top of her lungs.  
  
She did that when she was really happy about something. And when she was happy, which was a good majority of the time, she talked. And talked and talked. It suddenly occurred to him that maybe the Kami didn't want to get rid of him exactly, but Misao. Yes, that must be it.  
  
Misao ran into him. He should have expected it. Suddenly he was falling backwards. He landed on his rump, which was amazingly padded. Why did woman think this was a bad thing again?  
  
"I'm so sorry!" Misao gushed in uncomprehending horror. Her eyes wide he expected the next words to be... "Ma'am, are you alright?" Certainly not that!  
  
Ma'am?  
  
She mistook dumbfounded for disapproval and winced, "I'm sorry. You must be sensitive about your age!"  
  
One of Aoshi's blessings was an unusual amount of patience, and he considered it an asset most times. Currently he was ready to strangle the girl with her braid! Surely he didn't look that different?  
  
"So what's your name?" Misao asked with unfailing cheer and politeness. At least something was normal!  
  
Aoshi considered that question. He obviously couldn't say his name was Aoshi. That was a guy's name. Besides, if she didn't realize that he really was Aoshi then she could never accidentally tell the wrong person.  
  
"I do not have an appropriate name." He replied and sighed. He needed a girl's name and fast. "However, I will think of one momentarily."  
  
"How awful, you lost your memory!" Misao said sadly before perking up, "We could call you Sakura."  
  
Lose his memory...?  
  
"I am perfectly aware..." Then it dawned on him. A woman who had lost her memory would go over much better than a victim of some Kami joke. "That it is a sad incident."  
  
"What about Ayame? That's a pretty name. You remind me of someone I know. Do you have a brother?"  
  
Shoot no he wasn't going to be named after a blossom. Brother... oh. Misao's skills of observation were apparently on the slow side today.  
  
"A cousin." He replied vaguely. Well, he did have a cousin at one point and time so it wasn't technically a lie. "Aoshi Shinomori."  
  
"Oh, you're Aoshi-sama's cousin?" Misao squealed, "He never told me he had a cousin! You guys sure have some family resemblance. You're almost like a girl version of Aoshi-sama!"  
  
"Almost." Aoshi repeated under his breath.  
  
"So what was your name again?" Misao asked shifting subjects with enviable ease. She had a natural talent for leaving the person conversing with her totally clueless. Luckily, Aoshi had been decoding her speech for several years and reacted subconsciously.  
  
His eyes landed on the hem of his clothing and he said mildly, "Ai."  
  
"Like love? That's a romantic name!"  
  
Aoshi was ready to drag that Kami out by its piggy tail. He didn't have issues!  
  
"No." He paused to compose himself. "Like the color blue."  
  
"Pretty kimono." She acknowledged and he resisted the urge to look down to see what sort of ridicules outfit the pig had seen fit to give him. "I really like the clouds and stars."  
  
"Yes, it is very..." He could say it, really he could. Just form his lips around the word and spit it out, "Nice."  
  
"Where'd you buy it? Okon and Omasu would love to get something like that to impress Hiko."  
  
Ah yes, the jackass who lived up on a mountain with only pots for company. Battousai's master and the Aoiya's wrecker. Seeing his white cape float in the distance was one of Aoshi's secret dreams. Right after having Misao debarked, er voiced, devoiced.  
  
"It was a gift from Kami." Aoshi replied truthfully and Misao made a face.  
  
A/N: I warned you regulars! I did. Sorry for not updating, but I don't have my stuff with me. This was supposed to be a one-shot (and still could be probably), but I decided to cut it up. Drop a line if you like it ^__^ I need encouragement *sniffle * Dry humor is a bit challenging. 


	2. Part Two

Part Two  
  
As they walked back to the Aoiya he felt something tickle at the back of his mind. Something was supposed to happen today, he was sure of it. But what?  
  
Aoshi slapped his forehead in a very un-Aoshi-like gesture, which wasn't the point since he was Ai now. What did matter was that Sagara, draped across the yard like a monstrous cowhide come to live, had just wolf whistled at him.  
  
Aoshi paused and walked over. He towered over the sprawled ex-gangster and remarked in a frosty tone, "Is that how you treat women. No wonder you have to pay."  
  
Sagara hissed in surprise and recoiled with a hurt blink.  
  
"Cold broad."  
  
"Thank you. Perhaps you should treat women with a bit more respect."  
  
"That wasn't a compliment!" Sagara protested.  
  
"However, I accepted it as such therefore it is." Aoshi explained slowly trying to use little words.  
  
"Eck, is that some Zen crap? Hey, you look a lot of Aoshi. Are you Aoshi in drag?"  
  
How very astute. Or Aoshi might have thought if he hadn't already met the man. The spiky hair youth was probably drunk out of his mind.  
  
"This is Ai. She's Aoshi-sama's cousin!"  
  
This particular announcement was made to not only Sagara, but also Kamiya and that kid. Aoshi forgot his name.  
  
"Wow, you do look like Aoshi in drag." Aoshi glared and Yahiko paused in his blabbering before continuing, "And you glare just like him too."  
  
"Where is Aoshi?" Kamiya asked peering around as if he was going to jump out of some bushes and slaughter them. Did he really give that impression?  
  
"Aoshi had to take care of some business. He wishes you to know that his return is complicated and may take some time." There, all perfectly true and well phrased. If you considered this curse like a pleasure filled journey of enlightenment that was. Which he didn't.  
  
He wasn't sure exactly what he expected but shrugging it off completely wasn't it. Had he really been such a jerk? Rhetorical question, no need to answer that one.  
  
Himura came around the corner and automatically greeted, without looking up, "Hello Aoshi."  
  
"Kenshin you dolt. Look at people before you speak to them!" Kamiya chided making the petite man look up with startled violet eyes.  
  
Aoshi shot him a very potent look that promised great pain, er embarrassment if the dip opened his mouth. And he would make good on it too. He supposed his ki wouldn't have changed overly much and while the man was purposely dense somehow Aoshi knew he wouldn't overlook this.  
  
This could be summed up in one word: Mortifying.  
  
"I believe you have mistaken me for my," And he put special emphasis on this next word, "Cousin. My name is Ai."  
  
"May I speak to you in private?" Himura asked in bemusement. Oh how Aoshi wanted to strangle his skinny pencil neck. Instead he manfully- er, bravely nodded and joined his ex-enemy around the corner.  
  
"Aoshi?" He asked tentatively.  
  
"What is it Himura?" Aoshi said raising an eyebrow.  
  
"This unworthy one was wondering..." Kenshin trailed off delicately.  
  
"Kami."  
  
"Ah. You were rude then?"  
  
Little snot. Of course he wasn't rude. He hardly said a word. He had been minding his own dang business! If the pig expected him to drop down and kiss its hooves forget it.  
  
"It could have been worse, that it could have. You could be a pig."  
  
"If only I were so lucky." Aoshi muttered rebelliously. He gestured to his chest then yanked lightly at the high ponytail topping his head. Then he flashed an impressive set of claws and rolled his eyes, "Does this look enjoyable?"  
  
"Perhaps not, but you look very attractive, that you do."  
  
"Keep your eyes on that Kamiya girl." Aoshi grumbled hoping that the ex- assassin wasn't serious. If he was attractive then he was going to have a problem. More idiots like Sagara were sure to notice.  
  
"I think Sano finds you so, that I do."  
  
Aoshi wanted to retort that whatever gave him that notion. Instead he leaned back against the wall, "Tell me about inner demons and how to vanquish them."  
  
"Oro?"  
  
Aoshi focused his gaze on the smaller man and informed him, "That is hardly the correct answer. I require the answer to that question to return to myself."  
  
"I think that each man..." To his credit Himura only stumbled for a moment with his wording, "Person has their own personal obligations and demons. I can not tell you, that I can not."  
  
"Helpful." Aoshi said in understanding. So this was a solo mission. He could do that, and he had had the feeling that that's how it was going to be. Still, being an inherent pessimist did occasionally have this scary burst of optimism that someone might actually be of use.  
  
"Have you ever considered helping others?" Himura asked brightly and Aoshi's now heavily lashed eyes narrowed in suspicion.  
  
"No." Aoshi said shortly, "Most people consider me insane."  
  
"This unworthy one does not..."  
  
"That is because you are insane; therefore you are in the same category as I am." Aoshi replied, unruffled, "Ask anyone with the exception of the people who know you well."  
  
"If life were truly fair you would be female and I would be peacefully meditating. You are half way there anyway." Aoshi said in annoyance. He was still empty handed and having a conversation with Himura to boot. A good way to become very cranky.  
  
"This unworthy one does not look like a girl!" Himura protested and unconsciously flipped his long hair in a decidedly female manner. His pink clothing would hardly be worn by any self-respecting male and his petite build was almost considered stick-like.  
  
"How many wolf whistles have you received since your arrival in Kyoto?" Aoshi questioned with no little inner satisfaction. If the man was going to psycho-babble him then this was only justice.  
  
"This unworthy one does not have to answer that." Himura mumbled defiantly and Aoshi was willing to bet the man liked him better when he was silent.  
  
Aoshi had to stifle a heart felt groan when he heard the old man coming. Honestly, skirt chasing at that age? And it sounded like he had royally displeased Okon. She tended to throw things more than Omasu did.  
  
"When I catch you... Hiko!"  
  
Okina skittered around the corner wild eyed and panting with his hair in frizzled disarray. His eyes took on a gleeful glint as he spotted Aoshi. The man-turned-woman reacted to the threat just a moment too late.  
  
"You, my dear, are gorgeous. Such a lust- I mean lovely young woman." Aoshi tried desperately to remove his hand from the vice grip and make an undignified retreat. Better to retreat now than have his butt groped by the man who was once under his command.  
  
"Let go old man." Aoshi warned and Himura stood frozen. Aoshi glanced over with his side vision. If that man was even looking the slightest bit amused... but no, he was looking properly horrified.  
  
A wicked glint lurked in those old eyes and the lecher grinned, "Such calluses for a demure lass."  
  
"Such curiosity for an old man who is supposedly retired." Aoshi retorted.  
  
Okina wrinkled his nose and stroked his beard, "It is good to see you so comfortable and adjusted young Miss Shinomori. I did not realize Aoshi had any relatives left."  
  
"He's not going to have any adopted ones either if you continue this course of folly." Aoshi said, lightly veiling his threat with a coat of shimmering ice.  
  
Okina nervously licked his lips and muttered something that sounded like point taken.  
  
Now in all honesty, Aoshi shouldn't have done that. Not after almost butchering the old man just a short while before. It was just... this growing urgency to kill the nearest living being.  
  
He didn't understand it. One moment he was perfectly fine and the next he was ready to rip someone's head off. Preferably a man's. And his lower abdomen kept rippling with a strangle pain.  
  
Pushing the strange sensations out of his mind he concentrated on his escape. He wasn't the most sociable of people in the first place. The unsettling rage that seemed to come and go without any warning was hardly encouraging. Plus, he had heard Okon shout the H word with such fever and glee.  
  
"Master!"  
  
"Stupid student." Such a cordial greeting. "Shinomori, you look nice." The big man walked up talking a fist full of ponytail lightly and gave a not so gentle yank, "It suits you."  
  
"Asininities suit you as well." Aoshi snarled under his breath and readjusted his obnoxiously long hair. Now he remembered why he always kept it short. Ponytails, and scarves for that matter, were far too easy to get a hold of and yank.  
  
"Here. You can borrow mine."  
  
Aoshi looked to see a rather worn ribbon practically up his nose. He looked past the dirty, ragged nails and the conditioned palm towards Kamiya's face.  
  
"Misao didn't do a very good job of introducing us earlier, but you and Kenshin seemed to have hit it off."  
  
There was going to be some hitting alright.  
  
Instead of going after the great man himself, a sure suicide move woman or not, he accepted the ribbon with what he hoped resembled a smile. His mouth wasn't cooperating very well. It didn't like being stretched so much.  
  
"Anyway, my name is Kaoru Kamiya and the kid is Yahiko and that lazy bum who was whistling at you was Sanosuke Sagara."  
  
Aoshi wanted to ask if Takani had also attended, but it would hardly be wise to reveal his knowledge.  
  
"Oh, and Megumi is around here somewhere. One of the neighbors had a slight emergency and she's a doctor so she went to see about it."  
  
"I see." He didn't offer his "name" since he was sure Misao had already informed them- several time most likely- what it was.  
  
"Ai, Kaoru! Dinner time!"  
  
Just as the two of them made it to the back door Misao asked cheerily, "Ai, would you like to go shopping with Kaoru and I?"  
  
No, no not really. Not at all. He had been dragged on a shopping trip only once before and somehow he ended up carrying baggage and standing for hours listening to magpie chatter.  
  
"Ai would love to, that she would!" Himura put in brightly coming up to them with a wide smile. To Aoshi he mouthed, "Do unto others..."  
  
And Aoshi knew then that killing inner demons was not longer his top priority. Escaping femininity took precedent.  
  
Feeling decidedly fat and ungainly, he ignored another ripple of pain and followed the traitorous Battousai and the two girls inside. This was going to end one way or another. In his present mood it was going to be bloody.  
  
A/N: Well, I roped my mother into helping me and we were in the middle of reworking the first chapter when my aunt called in pieces. Her dog Silver's tumor had ruptured in her liver and needed to be put down. Needless to say, that killed any humor. This week has just been awful for me to be in SC instead of KS. *Sigh * But you guys get this so its still good. Your replies have been very boosting and this is already almost 30 pages.  
  
ice queen: This is pretty much just humor. Besides, I'm terrible at romance, just awful. Ask MissBehavin', Tru, or eriesalia ^__^ You wouldn't want me to scar you against that pairing on accident now would you? If you really do, I wrote a one-shot titled "Addiction". Its not humor, but it's an A/M.  
  
Pu: It's coming ^^ I post every Sunday and Thursday. The next part is done and the forth part is coming. If I can make it behave it will be 5 parts.  
  
Lady Midori (Shimizu Hitomi): Aoshi is a wonderfully cooperative victim most of the time. But Kenshin was fun too.  
  
Trupana: I think that covers it. Well, there wasn't much he could do about it and Misao was coming. O__O Uh-oh, I'm inspiring you? I think Aoshi wants to strangle me now. Hmm, so that means you'll finish the next chapter soon and post it? *innocent smile * Sometimes she reminds me of a yappy little dog (not that I advocate debarking, its horrible, but sometimes you just want to SHUT THEM UP). I have plans for all the Kenshin-gumi (lucky them).  
  
Indigochipmunk: The idea actually came when I wondered what he would be like on PMS -__- I know I'm weird.  
  
Fyyrrose: I was thinking more P-chan from Ranma 1/2, but maybe that's because of the gender thing. Besides, I told you what I'd do to Bacon if Okita weren't protecting the little sausage. Is killing Aoshi bad? He got to skip out on the rest of the fic! Anyway, I killed/will kill half the cast, he just went first. What an honor. I think being a "psuedo- pri- priest" was far more torture. He had to put up with Hiko, Tokio, Katsu, and Kaoru all in his office at one time (not to mention Saitoh and Kenshin as well). Who next? Depends on the inspiration. *starts laughing * It was uncanny how fast I came up with situations for each of the guys. And that bit with Yahiko was more than I needed to consider thank you very much! I wonder why I couldn't think of anything for Soujirou. ;__; I'm losing my knack! Well sorry! Sano has a mind of his own and I have to keep reminding him that its PG, and TTUH can be R. Wait, it WILL be after the snake bite.  
  
Eriesalia: Oh yes, "Ai" will have some problems with that ^__^ Part Four. As for Aoshi I've decided it must be some form of self-mutilation that draws me to him (we are very similar in nature). Either that or he's just plain fun! And he's dead in one of them. Is that torture? 


	3. Part Three

Chapter Three  
  
Aoshi bolted awake one hand going towards the hilt of his absent kodachi and the other flying to his chest. Which led him to the second early morning heart attack.  
  
Sunshine poured down proclaiming to the world that it was a lovely, bright morning with all the potential in the world. But all Aoshi saw was the horrible memories and even more horrid details of what this waking nightmare had in store.  
  
If he was any good at flinging projectiles those happy birds wouldn't be so dang happy anymore!  
  
"Ai, are you decent?" Kamiya called out and he glanced at his half revealed state. Well, he was a woman now so what did he care?  
  
"Yes."  
  
He was rearranging his sleeping robes wondering what in the world he was going to wear because his godly kimono had disappeared from where it had been laid out the night before.  
  
"Sorry! This unworthy one thought that you were dressed!" Himura all but screamed in a panic and tried to back out and slide the door shut again.  
  
Aoshi raised an eyebrow in silent amusement. The man acted like he'd never seen a half nude woman before.  
  
"Kenshin you dolt!" Kamiya did scream Aoshi wasn't sure whether it was outrage or mortification.  
  
This day had suddenly gotten so much better within a span of five minutes.  
  
"I apologize." Aoshi said taking sudden pity on the poor man before him. It was a fleeting feeling because the next moment had him wanted to rip Sagara's head off.  
  
"Wow," The youth's speech slurred with sleep was almost unintelligible, and his hair was even messier than usual without the familiar red bandana to tame it. "I must be dreaming if I just heard a woman apologize without any fancy code crap."  
  
Okina wandered by, "Ai is a special sort of woman."  
  
What was this? Yokohama Harbor? The Aoiya was a large place, yet here was half the current populace gaping at him.  
  
"I seem to have misplaced my clothing." He informed the group earning strange looks.  
  
"I think you look better without it." Sagara grinned cheekily and Aoshi fought back the murderous flash that hit him like a flaming torch of passionate hatred.  
  
A resounding hollow smack resounded down the polished hall and everyone but Aoshi and Sagara jumped. In fact, the latter fell forward, and the brain dead youth had probably lost his last few brain cells to head trauma.  
  
"Roosterhead, you sound more intelligent when you are asleep." The lady doctor admonished tucking her medicine bag innocently out of view. "Ohohoho, who's this?"  
  
Suddenly Aoshi found himself on the receiving end of those devious dark eyes, and he resisted the urge to slam his door and lock it tight so he could sleep the rest of his life away.  
  
"Ai." He remarked with his trademark deadpan expression. The only thing running through his mind was how to escape without being mercilessly teased. He could deal with Sagara. He was far more aware of the dynamics of that nature than most gave him credit. Yet he had no clue how to deflecting friendly taunts. Mostly because in his male form no one ever dared to try. "May I borrow your clothing?"  
  
Maybe it was his distinct lack of good grace or his nonexistent sense of humor that warned that her tricks would be wasted because five minutes later he was staring at a particularly long obi.  
  
Staring at the rest of the rather nice, tasteful kimono he realized something about the woman he had guarded under Kanyruu's employment. She really seemed to like the color purple.  
  
He stared hostilely at the length of cloth that twined like python. He was certain it would squeeze the life out of him if he gave it a chance. Already he could feel the kimono's fabric trap and ensnare him. It hugged his hips and made it all but impossible to walk freely. His hair was up in a strict high ponytail and secured with a strip of leather. He wasn't going to wear a ribbon if he didn't have to.  
  
He had fought in many different outfits. That reminder was rather wishy- washy as he struggled to tie the obi in what he hoped was a correct knot.  
  
He must have been making quite a bit of noise – not that he was cursing or smashing things exactly- because Kamiya's syrupy voice filled with concern oozed in.  
  
"Do you need some help Ai?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Okay, we'll be downstairs eating breakfast. Join us when you're ready."  
  
It took an eternity to wrestle the fabric snake into obedience and even longer to figure out how to walk properly. Twice he fell on his face. Thankfully there were no witness. Not that there would have been if someone had seen him. He would have made sure of that.  
  
Separating from the shallow shadows he killed the urge to brush his kimono nervously. He was Aoshi Shinomori, woman or no, and he didn't get nervous. Especially not over something so silly and pointless as a dress.  
  
Total silence met his arrive. Even Misao, who was in the middle of a particularly loud proclamation, cut her sentence off so abruptly it hung in the air.  
  
Suddenly, Kamiya and Misao's faces were the color of tomatoes and Sagara had such a wide grin that Aoshi was sure his face would split in two. Kenshin blinked and choked on his bite of breakfast while Nameless Kid looked on in confusion.  
  
Takani rolled her eyes and shook her head in annoyance. At first he thought it was directed at him, but she whirled on the spectators.  
  
"Honestly girls, you should be less bashful and more helpful! While amnesia rarely interferences with everyday functions it has been documented before. And I told you that. Rooster, if you don't wipe that lecherous grin off your face this instant you'll regret it." She snapped forcefully.  
  
Then she turned on him and hustled him back into his temporary room.  
  
"May I inquire into my error?"  
  
"Your obi is tied in the front. Now let me undo it and tie it properly. At least then you will be able to go in public." She said all of this while professionally stripping and redressing him. In a fifth of the time it had taken him to beat the clothing into submission. She eyed him critically and nodded, "You're presentable. Now don't let those girls push you around."  
  
He nodded dumbly. Yes, dumbly. Something so inconceivable he couldn't credit it at first.  
  
After a mild breakfast (with only a few cracks at his mistake) they were ready to face the day. Or rather, Aoshi was ready to go back to bed. Something which Sagara also considered because he wandered off in the direction of his room. Aoshi very much doubted he did so to write haikus.  
  
It started out pleasant enough and for two foolish minutes a rare burst of optimism hit him.  
  
By the first shop he was ready to go. By the fifth his mouth was dry and his throat itchy from breathing in fabric bits. By the tenth he was ready to tear the stupid things off the wall, pour kerosene over them, and watch them blaze beautifully.  
  
After that he refused to count. They all looked the same to him anyway. Who kept track of what was one tiny shade lighter than the other, or how this neckline didn't stoop quite so low as the other?  
  
Never a man- er person for boredom he entertained the notion of food because he was also hungry, imagine that! Each course featured one main ingredient: PIG.  
  
He was in the middle of mentally flavoring some savory sausages when Misao squealed. For an instant he was looking for that evil Kami. Misao didn't usually sound like a piglet, or not too much so. Whatever she had found must have excited her more than usual.  
  
"Ai you have to see this!" She said dancing with flamboyant glee and pride. She was pointing at something Aoshi couldn't quite see. He almost considered looking until his common sense slaughtered his curiosity. Instead he tried to back up only to run into Kamiya. She pushed him forward.  
  
How fast did suffocation occur if you purposefully swallowed your tongue?  
  
He stared as if blinking would sear the inside of his eyelids. That was quite possibly the ugliest thing he had ever seen in his life. Uglier than Saitoh deprived of nicotine; Uglier than Hiko's ego; Uglier than Kaoru's cooking. In short it was absolutely revolting.  
  
Misao was about to lay claim to the thing, calling it divine and perfect for him. He wondered if she had lost her mind. How could something the color of Himura's repulsive shirt speckled with yellow butterflies that not only looked deformed and twisted, but also were the color of mustard be perfect for anything other than rags? He wouldn't wish that on his worse enemy. Not even Kamatari could make that thing look good.  
  
"Excuse me young lady, but I had hold of this kimono first. If you would kindly remove your grubby hands from it I wish to purchase it." An older woman remarked bluntly to Misao. The young ninja wasn't detoured by the stiff tone.  
  
"Hey, my hands aren't dirty and I had it first!" Yank.  
  
"You are simply a spoiled brat who refuses to acknowledge the fact that your elder and better has the authority and right to first choice. Let go or I will remove your hands myself!" The lady snapped and Aoshi noticed the boy for the first time. He was stealthily sneaking behind Misao readying for what could have been a painful kick.  
  
If Aoshi hadn't slipped behind him and casually hit the back of the kid's knees. The child crumpled in a spitting and cursing heap.  
  
By then words had been tossed aside in the true way of woman who wanted what they wanted and weren't going to back down. Aoshi imagined that he could almost see a snarl and compared them to two strays fighting over a rotten bite of food.  
  
"Give it up lady, I had it first!" Misao howled giving a particularly vicious yank. There was a distinct ripping sound and the other woman immediately dropped it.  
  
She serenely moved to the exit without a glance back leaving a dumbfounded Misao.  
  
"Hey! You broke it too. You should at least pay half you old witch!" Misao screamed after her, waving the kimono like a banner of defeat.  
  
Aoshi was too busy sighing in relief to notice his pint-sized attack.  
  
There was a sharp pain in his shin and he twitched slightly. Even as a woman it would take more than a kick to make him react. He stared down icily. He hadn't considered children before, but he was beginning to dislike them.  
  
"My father could kill you for that, you dog!" The boy shouted aiming another kick, "Your mother must have been a pig to raise such a disgraceful woman!"  
  
Aoshi lost patience and let the blind rage come. After all, it wasn't like anyone would actually miss the brat.  
  
"Leave before I decide human flesh is a delicacy." Aoshi snapped and bared his teeth.  
  
The kid's eyes grew wide before he fled.  
  
Misao walked up grumbling about rude ladies and ripped kimonos. She looked up just in time to see the kid bolt.  
  
"What did you say to him Ai? That you were going to cook him for supper and use his eyes as dessert?"  
  
"Similar."  
  
"Well, the damage isn't too bad. The shopkeeper's wife is a seamstress and she volunteered to fix it for free.  
  
Kamiya came up and looked between them. Instead of asking the stupid question of what she missed, Aoshi assumed she would ask Misao later where the tale could be embellished, she held up an ugly ribbon. It was similar in color to the yellow on the kimono, just a touch darker, and had contorted magenta butterflies dying across it.  
  
"I saw this and knew it was perfect for Ai!" Kamiya gushed and Aoshi felt like running. This was surreal. She was supposed to be a tomboy, they both were. Then again, it explained the total lack of taste and why Megumi refused to accompany them. "And you guys even found a kimono to match! Oh, you just have to wear it now!"  
  
Not on Okina's life.  
  
Ten minutes later he was decked out in his finest. At least he got the obi right this time. He thought anyway. Too bad it was the same vomit inducing yellow.  
  
"You're gorgeous!"  
  
He bowed his head in what they assumed, naively, was embarrassment. He was actually considering how best to escape in the shadows and kill a Kami. Ham sounded nice.  
  
Which probably was what prompted him to order it. They choose a semi- crowded area to sit down and eat. Aoshi gave only one or two longing looks towards the privacy of the roofs. He was Ai now and had to play the part of a female. And they seemed to be incredibly social creatures. It was beginning to wear on him.  
  
"Don't do that Misao!" Kamiya chided the braided girl and tried to pin her arm. Misao shrugged her off and continued to toss scraps towards a trio of stray dogs, "Why not? They're hungry."  
  
"They will follow us! You really want some mean dogs following you?" Kamiya insisted practically and Aoshi approved. It was something he would have said.  
  
Before Misao could answer a dogfight broke out. With a surprised noise and an involuntary jerk Misao sent the rest of her lunch into the air. And Lady Luck must have been in a particularly sadistic mood that day.  
  
The lady from the store and Misao shouted at the same time with accusatory fingers raised and ready, "You!"  
  
The flying food found a safe haven on the woman's boy. He wiped off the liquid soup in disgust and casually plucked up a gob of sticky rice. With a clean throw he nailed Misao.  
  
She reacted in kind, however, her aim was not so clean. She accidentally smacked a poor innocent. Or at least the man was a poor innocent. It turned out his aim was quite admirable. Especially when he hit Kamiya with a messy pastry.  
  
"Jerk!" She screamed red in the face.  
  
"Retaliation is not advisable."  
  
"Please be quiet Ai. This was my favorite kimono." She remarked calmly before whipping something or other from behind her back and lobbed it in the general direction of the man.  
  
The return fire was heavily spiced and it stung when it smashed into Aoshi's unprotected, unsuspecting face. He calmly wiped it off.  
  
Kamiya laughed in enjoyment and teased, "You were saying? Besides, I think you've made a friend." She pointed to the little fiend who tried to stab Misao in the back earlier.  
  
The beast child was stalking much like a wolf intent on prey. His light brown eyes glittered maliciously and a smirk graced his lips. In each hand were the siblings to the food gob that had hit Aoshi in the face. Suddenly his hand seemed to be moving of its own accord to pick up some ham. Taking careful, yet unwilling aim, he let fly.  
  
Bullseye!  
  
Eat rice and die kid.  
  
What he wasn't expecting was the general public's opinion on attacking a child. Suddenly he was on the other end of a grossly unfair battle and being ever rational realized he would be lucky if they let him retreat.  
  
Which they didn't.  
  
Suddenly he was running for his clothes and hair wishing he had pretended to be sick. Something Aoshi Shinomori have never considered even as a child. He was a hard working man who never shrank back. Except now he was going to be riced to death.  
  
Never again would he mock the sandals. In order not to think about the mob he had lost by tripping and tumbling down a blind alley he started counting stubbed toes. Then how many times he could possibly trip over his own feet. Then the rocks. Then the sandals themselves. Who ever thought up these stupid things?  
  
Panting, not because he was out of breath, but because he couldn't breath with the kimono constricting his sides he glanced around warily. Hearing footsteps echo down the narrow alley he reached for the tanto he had liberated from Okon's chest in her room he readied himself.  
  
Recognizing the figure he didn't relax nor attack.  
  
"Just the thing I wanted to see."  
  
A/N: Sorry it's a bit early, but I'm leaving for home this evening and I wanted to have this up.  
  
Forgive me if I have this wrong, but prostitutes tied their obis in the front, correct? I think I have to boot this up to pg-13 even with simple insinuations ^__^  
  
MissBehavin: Aoshi's social skills are comparable to a virus -__- In size and behavior. Sano is coming up in a big way in chapter four : ) I mean, how can I leave my fav. Boy out? It is a good thing that Saizou can't talk The except and accept wasn't a big thing, really! I pointed it out because I knew you wouldn't do what most people do (call me a flamer, chew me out, and generally be obnixous). I'm aware that my stuff has typos too -__- especially this story since I haven't a) read over it or b) let fyyrrose look over it. *Snickers * Very embarrassing, even for Mr. Cool and Collected. The "little" pains lead up to Saitoh and Megumi's chapter *laughing evilly *  
  
Oro-chan no Tenshi: She wasn't mine exactly, but the loss is felt. If it were my dog I probably wouldn't update at all. And thank you! Here's the next chapter. 


	4. Part Four

Chapter Four  
  
"Lovely kimono Shinomori. Did your boyfriend pick it out for you?"  
  
Aoshi arched a brow masterfully and kept silent. Maybe if he ignored it then it would go away and leave him alone.  
  
No such luck.  
  
"Playing with your food again. Well, I suppose you need to be cleaned up. Come on."  
  
When Aoshi didn't budge a firm hand grabbed his gooey ponytail and dragged. At the risk of premature baldness he decided to go along. A wig was something he couldn't deal with.  
  
They entered the shop and he tried to go right back out. Nope, the hand was still attached. Herbs and flowers assaulted his nose and made his eyes water. He'd never told anyone, but he was very allergic to pollen. It made his eyes swell shut and his nose turned into a waterfall.  
  
"Darling! You gorgeous hunk of man you! When was the last time you visited me? A girl could get to feeling neglected! And you still won't give me a child!" A large, robust woman bellowed in greeting and threw herself at his capture in the most sickening fashion. Hiko took it in stride.  
  
The woman stopped abruptly and narrowed her eyes, "Who is this- " There was a not so delicate pause, "Young lady?"  
  
"She would like to leave actually." Aoshi said through gritted teeth. "It is a mistake."  
  
Hiko ignored him completely and said with a smirk, "She needs to be cleaned up as you can see. You do wonders and I know there is a silk purse under all that tempura."  
  
The woman was all smiles and she grabbed Aoshi's upper arm, hard. With a glint of jealously in her eyes she said, "Sweetie, you'll be beautiful in no time. Master Hiko has flawless taste for the elite. And we are the elite in this city!"  
  
"Reassuring, however, my friends…"  
  
"Will be busy for the time being." Hiko interjected and planted himself by the only exit. He poured some sake and sipped, "I will wait here."  
  
Aoshi had no choice. It was follow or lose an arm.  
  
She stopped him at he top of the stairs and pursed her lips. Her cruel eyes ran over him and she shook her head. Grabbing a hand she inspected it poking and prodding.  
  
"Disgraceful. You practice fighting I can tell. I should have known. Someone as dirty and scruffy as you would have to do something like playing with swords. You need a strong husband to keep you in line. After a few babies you'd settle right down."  
  
Before he could reply she set him down in front of another woman.  
  
"Hiko's girl." Venom galore.  
  
Perhaps Aoshi was predisposed to think they might be a bit jealous of the special favor shown by Hiko, but now he was sure of it.  
  
"Sorry young lady, but you should not have jerked. It was the first thing I told you when I started on your cuticles." She soaked up the blood seeping from where the razor tip has slipped.  
  
"I did not move." Aoshi corrected and glared when she ground the cloth a bit too hard into his injured finger.  
  
"Young lady, I am a professional. I do not make such trivial mistakes. You simply moved when I specifically told you not to. It is nothing to hide or be ashamed of: Many of my clients jerk."  
  
"How soon will you be done?"  
  
"Soon enough. Such an impudent child."  
  
Fifteen minutes and six cuts later he was on his way to get a facial. Whatever that meant.  
  
"Such a pretty face. A wee bit too pointy for my tastes; it makes you look almost masculine. But you have such thick lashes and absolutely dazzling blue eyes!"  
  
This woman had been carefully ripping his eyebrows out one hair at a time. She didn't seem to be out to get him, probably because she was so much younger than the others, but she never ceased her chatter. She even beat Misao out in idle mouth moving slash sound making.   
  
"Hmm, okay. That looks nice. Not like you had a unibrow or anything, but shaping does wonders! You sit still while I put on this special mud.  
  
He hoped that the mud had come from somewhere far away from farmland as it was pasted on his face.  
  
Running fingertips across his face he tried to blink and failed. It felt like they had pulled all the wrinkles and loose skin in his face to the edge and tacked it down like one of Sagara's friend's canvas. Not only that, but he felt like one of the man's bombs as well.  
  
So far he had endured admirably, but when they set him up to do his hair he paled. Several evil women had surrounded him, all armed with sharp or point objects. He wanted to hastily pin his ears to his skull so they wouldn't 'accidentally' be chopped off. Instead, he pulled at his inner calm and meditated.  
  
An hour later he was delivered, almost comatose yet still breathing, to Hiko.  
  
"Wear this Shinomori." Hiko said holding out a tasteful indigo kimono. It was subtly decorated with silver thread, yet it didn't come off as gaudy.  
  
"Tasteful." Aoshi remarked trying to wipe off the make up and only managed to smear it. Hiko had mentioned that he could join the circus the way it was at the moment. Yet another parting gift from Madam Umeko and her gaggle of atrocious girls.  
  
"Of course it is. I choose it. Now get dressed." Hiko smirked at Aoshi's questioning look, "Not everyone is as fashion deprived as those two girls."  
  
"This is from the man who wears a cape."  
  
"Mantle." Hiko corrected pompously through the screen.  
  
Dressed and ready for the second time that day he was ready to slink off to the Aoiya. It couldn't get any worse.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
It just got worse.  
  
"Hey Ai, the girls have been looking for you… oh, it's him." Hiko's chest puffed out a little more. Either he was deaf to the disgust or took pride in the reaction he invoked.   
  
Sagara took a closer look and gasped, "You've been smooching Hiko!"  
  
"Pardon?" Aoshi tried to blink, but the facial was still with him.  
  
"Nasty!"  
  
"You're just jealous." Hiko remarked caustically. Unfortunately it backfired.  
  
"Of kissing you? No. Sorry, I like women." Sagara protested.  
  
Aoshi felt the need to set him straight. For all the good it would actually do. "He meant that you are jealous that he got to kiss me and you didn't." That Kami was so dead. He just explained that he was kissing Hiko, which he hadn't, to a rather scattered individual he'd rather ignore. Just like the rest of humanity.  
  
Was that a crime?  
  
Did it deserve this cruel and unusual punishment?  
  
Before he could delve too deeply into that Hiko just left saying something about a gift and how he turned out to be more than a sow's ear.   
  
"You look like you had fun and stuff." Sagara commented with his hands stuffed in his pockets. "Could you do me a huge favor, since we're friends and all?"  
  
"I have known you for less than twenty-four hours."  
  
"So? I feel like I've known you for months So how about it? Will you go with me to some gambling halls and such?"  
  
Aoshi considered refusing flat out. And then he did. It was always helpful to think things through fully.  
  
"No."  
  
"Please? We could have dinner or something and I'll get you something to drink."  
  
"Non alcoholic I would hope."  
  
"Er, not exactly. Besides, you don't want to be a stick in the mud do you? Some sake will do you good. It will loosen you up!" Sagara prattled on. He even got to the point where Aoshi was willing to go along just to shut him up.  
  
"One hour. I will pay for nothing."  
  
"Deal."  
  
Fateful words. The same words those who dealt with the Devil heard. Why did Aoshi suddenly feel like he was condemning himself to something far worse than losing his immortal soul?  
  
The place was crowded and it smelled of unwashed flesh, opium, and smoke. Aoshi was a clean person and the visible dirt was enough to make his nails draw blood from his palms.  
  
Choosing an appropriate seat that wasn't too filthy he settled down to watch Sagara lose his life savings.  
  
There was just one problem with his expected entertainment. Sagara was winning. The dope seemed just as surprised as everyone else. Which didn't stop him from whooping and laying on the drinks.  
  
"Who's your good luck charm?" One man, not too sober Aoshi might have added, grinned. He smelled like fish. Aoshi hated fish. The cold, slimy things. The man was slimy enough to have swum through the local canals.  
  
"Oh sorry guys, this is Ai. Don't mess with her though." Then Sagara mouthed the words "that time of the month"? Whatever that meant.  
  
"You want a drink little lady?"  
  
Twitch.  
  
"Not particularly." Aoshi replied testily.   
  
"She doesn't drink I guess. Give her some tea or water or something. At the rate I'm winning its no problem." Sagara ordered/boasted.  
  
"How generous." Aoshi muttered trying to find some sort of peaceful calm. It might have worked better if it weren't so noisy. Really, did they have to scream so loud? He could practically tell when someone won something just by the volume of the grunts and cheers.  
  
"Here you go doll." A smallish man said setting down a mug in front of Aoshi. Aoshi carefully leaned over and took a cautious sniff. Then blinked. How…? That was his favorite type of tea and expensive to boot. Suspiciously he tried to locate the man but kept getting distracted by the noise and the smells and straying body parts that seemed to be attracted to certain parts of his anatomy.  
  
Oh shoot. If someone was trying to kill him all he had to say was more power to them!  
  
He daintily sipped until he realized that he was going to get it all over the front of him with all the groping. Calmly he shoved a chopstick into the wood next to a man's finger. The offender wisely retreated.  
  
"Do it again." Was it just Aoshi or was Sagara's voice getting a bit uneven. Time to go. He wasn't toting home a drunk idiot. No way, no how. If it came down to it he'd leave him in an alley for the pickpockets.   
  
Enough was enough. It was time he made a stand.  
  
What he didn't count one was the fact that men didn't take orders from women.  
  
A fact that ticked him off.  
  
He wanted to go home. NOW. If Sagara wouldn't cooperate he would find someone who would. One glance around the room changed his mind. Aoshi Shinomori was many things, but never stupid.  
  
"Get up Sagara. Your hour is up." Aoshi insisted, folding his arms beneath his breasts in what he hoped was an intimidating manner.  
  
The men looked at him, flabbergasted. Then they laughed! No one ever laughed at Shinomori it was a rule. It was forbidden to laugh at him! He'd killed men for less. Well, no, actually he hadn't but it sounded good.  
  
"Aww, but I'm just getting warmed up!"  
  
And drunk down too, Aoshi noted doing a quick count of the sake bottles littered around. The man was definitely going in some alley. Or maybe the canal. No, then he'd have to explain to Battousai and company where exactly the fool went and how his body was poisoning the water supply.  
  
"Get up."  
  
The youth tried. Or made a pitiful effort at pretending to try.   
  
It would have been fine if one of his buddies hadn't thought to trip him. The young man lost this balance quite easily. Aoshi suspected it was planned, but he didn't have much time to think about that when Sagara's face landed in a most inappropriate area.  
  
"Mmm, comfy. Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?" Sagara mumbled into Aoshi's chest. Whoever said the boy was dumb? Aoshi didn't appreciate finding out that lovely little trait of a selective, vindictive memory. So what if he said the boy had to pay?  
  
"You could never have enough money." Aoshi growled so only Sagara could hear him. Then he continued coldly with a sharp pinch, "Charming pick up line. Let me know if it works on Takani."   
  
If they were going to play dirty then bring it on.  
  
"Ouch, that hurt!"  
  
"It was meant to. Get up."  
  
"No." Sagara pouted like a spoilt child.  
  
If Aoshi's transformation had granted him a maternal instinct it must have died. Right along with his legendary patience.  
  
Every instant he had to tolerate the unwashed, unfiltered general scum- er, public that frequented the place Sagara had dragged him was another notch in his rage meter. Yes, a rage meter. He'd never had any use for one before, but now he was really in business. He just couldn't understand why he was so uptight and irritable. Not that it would matter in about thirty seconds when he disconnect that man's wandering hand from his arm.  
  
"Pardon me, is this seat taken?"  
  
"Excuse me sir." Aoshi hissed darkly, "Remove your hand from my rear."  
  
"And if I don't baby?"  
  
Twitch.  
  
Baby?  
  
"Then I will be forced to dislocate your wrist and throw you bodily across the room."  
  
The man leered. He actually had the audacity—or was it actually stupidity? -to leer! Something snapped. In fact, Aoshi could practically hear it. Or he would have if red didn't fill every single one of his senses and rage poured through his body.  
  
And then the man had made a hole in the wall. How impolite. Aoshi hoped the drunk could pay for the damages his rock-hard head and shoulders had done.  
  
Dead silence. Ah, total and complete bliss.  
  
Until one more of the chauvinistic pigs arrived. A rather distinctive chauvinistic pig at that with blond hair that hit the ceiling and a smirk that proclaimed he thought he was a lady-killer.  
  
Aoshi wished he would test that belief.  
  
Lo and behold! Fate was on his side for once.  
  
"Whew, what a hot chick." Chou remarked, nudging one of the other men. The man scooted away fearfully, not wanting to draw the ire of the woman standing by Sagara.  
  
"The only chicken here is sulking on the floor." Aoshi remarked coldly. He nudged Sagara with his toe. The boy just glared at Chou and jutted his jaw.  
  
Chou stared for a moment before breaking out in rough laughter, "Zanza's whipped!"  
  
Despite being inebriated, the kid moved fast. He had the blond in a death grip before the dumbo could even blink. Of course, smashing someone's head into the bar was far from advisable. Then again, this was Chou. The two sides of Aoshi's conscience battled for an instant.  
  
"Hit him harder." Aoshi encouraged in a deadpan tone.  
  
"You…take…that…back!" There was a hearty smack in between each word as bone met wood.  
  
"'Ey, let go of me ya crazed rooster!" The idiot yelped and flailed. It almost made Aoshi want to… to… help Sagara out a bit.  
  
"Moron, drop him."  
  
Well, that didn't take long.  
  
Somehow Aoshi wasn't surprised when Saitoh showed up. After all, he had this bad habit of popping up at the most… Well, pretty much anytime you didn't want him to.  
  
What Aoshi wasn't expected was the cold accusation:   
  
"I do not appreciate you accosting my wife and son."  
  
A/N: And I had to go to the beauty palor yesterday -__- Just a hair cut thank you! But I do need to get my eyebrows shape (can you say, oh joy to the world?) and my nails done. Oh lord the pick-up lines! They were so much fun. Then fyyrrose, my mother, and I were piling up terms like doll, honey, sugar, hot stuff, chick... I would love to see someone call me one of those -__-; Umm, and as you guys guessed, it's that time of the month! The time when there are mood swings (usually murderous or weepy ones), cramps, hightened sensativity (that one bites), increased irritablity. Shoot, I think Aoshi refraining from killing anyone is pretty good for "her" first time, right?  
  
Shimizu Hitomi: Now wouldn't that be just peachy? Oh wait, it was. Saitoh would know, yes. And I think Megumi suspects something X_x but I haven't finished the next chapter yet. I just thought that it would be evil to have to wear one of those ^__^ Hmm, good to know that I was right. I vaguely remembered reading about it in a forum (they were fighting over something or other about Yumi) and I kind of looked it up (not really).  
  
MissBehavin: Hmm, was your guess right? Hiko conquers again! I'm fairly "nice" to him. He gets the top position (with the exception of BSR where I nail him :) ) in most of my stories. If Aoshi were NORMAL, I wouldn't have a story. My mom's friend and I used to have a competition: who could find the ugliest article of clothing in the store. I won most of the time :D Or better yet, plant the cigs on Shishio so that Saitoh actually jumped him to get them! And Aoshi is not a stupid man- er woman. Mobs are dangerous things.  
  
LadyWaterShaman: Thank you. Only one more chapter after this :(  
  
Oro-chan no Tenshi: Glad you liked it.  
  
Fyyrrose: No biggie. Okay, read it or not. You're only one chapter ahead of them anyway. I better get moving on the last two chapters huh? Your boy is safe Raven. I haven't killed him yet... oops, you didn't hear that last part *tries to whistle* O__O maybe I should run? Shadow says Kite popped in for a "bit". You know that she doesn't advocate killing right Raven? Not that it matters. They're in Africa. Tribal warfare galore. -__- Does the tweak involve Sano really being dead? Rob's a jerk, who cares what he thinks? Did I ever tell you how he wanted to kill Sano O__O The boy's a true teenager. Its all down there.  
  
LMAO, you got offically told! SL got hung up on!!! The poor gal. 


	5. Part Five

Chapter Five  
  
Faced with such an accusation Aoshi did the only thing he felt he could do: He burst into tears.  
  
Which served to do two things: First, it frustrated Aoshi to the point where they weren't stress tears any longer and they turned into tears of rage. The second thing was that Sagara, in some misplaced notion of heroism, had placed himself firmly between the two hindering Aoshi's strike ability.  
  
"Shinomori, I don't recall you being so pathetic. Even as a woman you shouldn't be so weepy."  
  
He was dead. That was all there was to it.   
  
What Aoshi wanted to come out of his mouth was the cool and rational explanation that he couldn't have bothered the man's family. He was with Misao and Kamiya most of the day. Then with the jackass and finally Sagara. Instead he leveled a death glare daring the man to dig himself deeper.  
  
The psycho cop gladly obliged.  
  
"Even so, if you cannot control your weasel and that raccoon girl in public, don't take them out."  
  
Since when was he their keeper? The girls were old enough to take care of themselves. They didn't need him to baby sit. He wouldn't have gone along if Himura hadn't so gleefully volunteered him. That, and he didn't want to be stuck wearing Takani's clothing forever.  
  
"Hey, you need to shut up." Sagara bristled.  
  
The lean, dangerous man coolly appraised the youth, "Roosters are worse."  
  
"What'd you say? Say it again, I dare you!"  
  
Aoshi almost shoved the dumbo aside to dish out some personal revenge. Rather than be hasty he calmly watched… with his fists clenched so hard the knuckles were white.  
  
"I don't have time for you Moron." Saitoh said dismissively and flicked his smoking butt to the ground. He turned toward Aoshi with a serious look, "You however have something I want."  
  
"What do you require? If it will make you go away I believe I may be able to provide it."   
  
There was that smirk again. It just seemed that everything was rubbing him the wrong way this evening. Shoot, what good was twenty-five years of building impenetrable self-control when it all was shot to pieces in one night?  
  
"'Ey, Boss, cheatin' is all well 'n' good, but really!" Chou remarked limping out. He only made it half way through his next sentence. "She's goo' lookin' 'n' all-."  
  
FWAP.  
  
Aoshi felt satisfaction like never before.  
  
"You're not usually so volatile." Saitoh remarked maliciously still watching with those creepy, golden eyes. Aoshi decided no man should have yellow eyes. It bothered him.  
  
"What do you require?"   
  
"My wife wants a formal apology from you, the weasel, and that raccoon girl." He smirked again, "It's fairly painless."  
  
"Then I require an apology from your child."  
  
Saitoh's eyes narrowed, "I never said this was bargaining business. You will apologize to my wife, and to my son also. For threatening to eat him."  
  
"He would not taste pleasant in any case." Aoshi shrugged dismissively and turned to leave. Over his shoulder he asked, "And if I refuse?"  
  
The question seemed to hang in the air before Saitoh's hand snaked out and grabbed that twice-cursed ponytail. Okay, that was going to be hacked off the moment he got back. Again, the slight stress brought the most unexpected result.  
  
"Stop making her cry, you jerk!" Sagara snarled and tried to disengage the ex-Shinsengumi. He received a dizzying blow for his trouble.  
  
And while Saitoh was distracted for the slightest little bit Aoshi lashed out. His palm slammed the taller man right in between the eyes. There was a muffled pop before those yellow eyes rolled back in the man's head and he collapsed.  
  
"You… you…" Sagara sputtered, "You knocked him out! Oh this is rich. Wait until I tell Ken- eep, why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Will do." Sagara whimpered.  
  
"Now help me bind his arms and toss him in the canal."  
  
Sagara twitched nervously and Aoshi blinked. Had he really just said he was going to throw Saitoh in the canal? Maybe a visit to a doctor was in order. These mood swings were far more psychotic than even he was used to.  
  
"Hehe, you were kidding… right? I mean, he's a jerk…"  
  
"We are going home."  
  
Sagara gave a skittish glance at his face and paled. Apparently there was some common sense buried under all that stupidity and bravado. Maybe Takani had more power over him than anyone every supposed. Not to mention that Aoshi now knew why so many husbands seemed out of sorts and meek on occasion. Women were scary, hostile creatures.  
  
"But first take care of that thing." Aoshi directed, point to Chou. They couldn't leave the pig sitting on the gambling hall's door seat. Someone might trip over his prone body and get hurt. One could only hope anyway.  
  
"Okay, what are you going to do?"  
  
Flat stares always seemed to work before, but Sagara took off dragging the unconscious man at record speed.  
  
"You have a date with the canal." Aoshi remarked to the man who was just coming around. Deftly he tied several tight knots, being a ninja encouraged many interesting skills, and started to drag his captive towards the water.  
  
When the cop tried to talk Aoshi calmly stuffed his obi in the man's mouth. At least there was a good use for that wretched thing.  
  
He had just gotten to the canal when he started having those annoying second thoughts. And they wouldn't leave him alone!  
  
Was drowning the man the best way to get rid of him? It wasn't a hard question. Sheesh. So why was he having those evil qualms? Maybe he should truss the man up like a pig and drop him on the police station's doorstep with a note that read, Dear Ms. Fujita and Son, shove it. And it was an ugly kimono anyway!  
  
Unfortunately that sounds like a bit much. His body was already rippling with pain, which he ignored, and he felt a headache forming. He better not have been drugged because that wouldn't save anyone who dared to mess with him. Just like it wasn't going to save the cop. Only a miracle could save him…  
  
Or Misao.  
  
Stupid Sagara. He went and tattled. It was a wonder that psychobabble Himura didn't grace his plight. Maybe the man had finally understood that his warped logic was neither appreciated, nor was it wanted.  
  
"Ai! You can't throw him in the canal, even if he is a no-good, dirty Wolf," Her eyes narrowed as she considered that and added under her breath, "And he's the one who pegged me Weasel." Loudly, "I changed my mind. Let me get you some heavy rocks to make sure he sinks Ai."  
  
It might have actually gone that way too. If Aoshi hadn't come to. He was starting to get a slight inkling for what Himura dealt with. Except that he didn't have an alter ego, just some mad woman part of him fighting to get out. Wait… same thing?  
  
"Do not ask for an apology again." Aoshi told the man who was glaring quite potently at him. He bent down to untie the knots. There was absolutely no reason for him to have gone off on the cop. They had a good track record, or at least better than the one he had with Hiko or Himura. They got along. They didn't get in each others' way. Dang, he'd almost killed off the only other human being he could stand occasionally.  
  
He had almost undone the first knot when something solid and painful thumped him on the back of the head. Half turning he sighed when he looked at the woman with her eyes narrowed and mouth pinched. She was idly smacking her fan in the palm of her hand making a soft, rhythmic sound.  
  
"Why are you tying my husband up?"  
  
Aoshi straightened and turned around to face the woman from before. What could he say? Why should he say anything? He frowned. None of this was his fault. He didn't ASK to be turned into a girl. He didn't ASK to be driven into society. He didn't ASK to go shopping for ugly clothing. He didn't ASK for Saitoh to show up and top off his evening. And he didn't ASK for Misao to come back with some very heavy looking rocks.  
  
"You will release my husband at once!" The woman remarked in a dangerous, no-nonsense tone that any child would recognize as a very irate mother. "Then leave and take your puppy with you." She pointed at Misao.  
  
Somehow Saitoh had gotten the obi out of his mouth, yet he looked far from amused that his wife was staunchly defending him. Was that a look of fear?  
  
Nope, there was the trademark smirk that made Aoshi's foot itch to kick, "Weasel."  
  
The woman stared down at him in silence before pronouncing, "Your weasel then. Disgusting little creatures. It suits her well."  
  
"Hey!" Sometimes Misao had difficulty doing two things at once. Currently screeching and hauling heavy rocks was a bad combination. "Ouch!"  
  
Saitoh's wife ignored her outburst primly and demanded. "After the apology for you disgraceful behavior. Both in public this morning and for this evening as well."  
  
Misao, still holding her foot, muttered resentfully, "Make me you old biddy."  
  
"Children are so very rude and ill-mannered these days." This was accompanied by a hurtful-sounding smack with that blasted fan. "You have been raised in an appalling manner. Not only do you act like you are merely six years old, but you also dress like a boy" Sniff. "No decent woman would run around showing such legs! It makes you look like a want-to-be hussy. If you were my daughter…"  
  
Saitoh not only had the guts to snicker, but he actually laughed. It was a strange sound to be hearing and Aoshi, for one instant, realized that he had witnessed a miracle. Maybe the man was happy his wife was tearing into someone else for a change.  
  
Before Aoshi could stop her Misao had started to stomp off. Unfortunately, she was still carrying a goodly amount of heavy rocks. And she tripped.  
  
Aoshi fancifully considered the fact that it was probably on purpose before he gave a mental curse and dove in the canal after the bound Wolf.  
  
He was vaguely aware of the screeching from the banks of both women. Of course, they were upset for different reasons.  
  
"You evil girl, look what you did to my husband! No wonder you are such a wild disgrace. You must shame your family!"  
  
"Ai, get out of there. You'll catch cold! And then Megumi will yell at me, or worse, she'll tease me!"  
  
"I demand retribution!" The wife snarled as the flopped both of them on the bank. Why was Saitoh so dang heavy? It wasn't like he ate anything. It was a nasty side effect off those gross cigarettes. Why the man couldn't just find a stress ball was beyond Aoshi.  
  
Aoshi slashed through the ropes taking pity on the poor man. At least if Misao decided to do something then Saitoh could defend himself. Then again, that might just mean Aoshi would end up in the canal again. Misao wasn't too good a swimmer.  
  
"Take him and go home. You'll get your retribution next time he decides to come and harass me at my temple." Aoshi hated being bothered at his temple. Well, at the moment he hated a lot of things. But if he hadn't been dragged into public in the first place this nightmare wouldn't have happened.  
  
As polite (cold) as his tone was he must have said something wrong because the wife puffed up and turned red with anger.  
  
"I KNEW it! You're cheating on me, aren't you?" She hissed, "I just never thought it would be another woman. I can't believe you would go for some…" There was a brief bout of sputtering, "Cold fish of a girl. At least you could have slept with someone of standing and breeding and respectability! Not some cheap trash you picked up outside a gambling hall!"  
  
How'd she know? Aoshi thought to himself with lazy sarcasm. He wisely refrained from saying it out loud. His crazy emotions seemed to have stabilized some.  
  
Saitoh ignored the tirading tyrant of a wife and started casually lighting a smoke. Or he was trying. His matches were soaked, his hands were soaked, and his tobacco was ruined. He might as well have shoved the thing in his mouth and chewed because that was the only way he was going to get his release.  
  
"Tokio-."  
  
"Don't you TOKIO me!" She snapped and made a move to smack him over the head with the fan. He caught it and tossed it in the canal behind them saying something about crappy political marriages and bossy women.  
  
With one swift motion the pack of cigarettes were following the fan to a watery grave.  
  
"I think we should go back Ai." Misao remarked in a strangely subdued voice. Aoshi felt this odd impulse to comfort and console her. What the heck was going on?  
  
Once back at the Aoiya he made an unsettling discovery.  
  
Blood, and lots of it. The kimono he was wearing was dark enough to hide the unsightly mess, but he was perplexed. Saitoh didn't get a hit in, did he…?  
  
Naturally he didn't want to share this information with the whole Aoiya. In fact, people who felt the need to over share every little thing made him want to puke. Or throttle them. Or both. Wait, when he thought throttle there was no mental accompaniment. Maybe he was getting over whatever weird mood that had possession of his soul just earlier that day?  
  
But then the blood wouldn't stop. And it seemed different… Not only could he not locate a wound, but it was different. He couldn't put his finger on it.  
  
Unfortunately that meant one thing: He would have to go find Takani.  
  
As loathed as he was to do it. He wanted to limit his human contact, yet here he was seeking people out! That kami would pay somehow, someway.  
  
His choice was taken from him when the woman walked around the corner. Of course, she was in the company of a certain gambler. Apparently Chou had woken up while Sagara was dragging him away. A pity. Who for Aoshi wasn't sure.  
  
"Ouch, dang it."  
  
"Ohoho, sweeping doesn't agree with you, does it Rooster head?"  
  
"You should've seen the other guy." Sagara muttered and 'ouched' again.  
  
"Ai, you should have kept this idiot out of trouble! Encourage such behavior will only end up having him come see me."  
  
"I apologize."  
  
Sagara gave the pair of them a dirty look and wandered off muttering about testy women wanting to limit a man's fun.  
  
"You look like you want to see me Shinomori." Takani remarked with a sly glance from the corner of her eye. He didn't like that. Not one bit.  
  
How to put this? I think I'm dying because I seem to have an internal wound and it will not stop bleeding. Or maybe, this is new to me, but do all women bleed so dang much when injured?  
  
So they stood there. And stood there. And stood there some more.  
  
"If you don't need me I'll go back inside and patch up the Rooster. He ran off without letting me tie off the bandages." Takani offered finally, but made no move to leave.  
  
"I… seem to be injured. When I tried to throw a dangerous man in a cana-."  
  
"Saitoh deserved it." Takani sniffed. "That man had caused quite a bit of trouble for Sir Ken."  
  
Uh-huh. Not to mention someone else.  
  
"In any case," He broke in, just in case she felt like going on a little rant about stupid men and their fights, "I seem to be bleeding excessively."  
  
"Where?" Business as last. It was amazing how fast she could switch from righteous to professional.  
  
He stared at her. If he were the type to be bashful or blushing he'd probably have fainted from the blood rushing to his head. Instead he stared.  
  
"Well? I can't help you if you don't tell me."  
  
"Could we go somewhere private?"  
  
"So its that sort of problem. I don't advocate abortion, just to let you know. I believe no child should be deprived of life in such a fashion." She preached. He stared blankly at the back of her head. What in the world was she going on about now? He wasn't planning on killing any children. He never had.  
  
Once they were locked in a room—he had insisted they lock the door—she peered at him expectantly. He stared.  
  
"We're not doing this again. Whatever it is, I'm a doctor! I can handle it, trust me." She said finally.  
  
There was dead silence.  
  
"Well, the good news is: you're not dying."  
  
He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"The bad news is: your memory loss seems to be extremely eccentric. I've never heard of a woman forgetting about her monthly flow."  
  
Monthly what…? Was that some obscure Zen reference?  
  
"I don't suppose you are even prepared. Your mother should have taught you these things when you were a girl. It's most unusual that you don't remember that." She said. There was that sly look again as she pulled out something things.  
  
"My childhood was… difficult for a female." He replied vaguely.  
  
"Ohohoho, I see. Too many male, ninja role models I suppose."  
  
Before he could catch himself he nodded. Crap.  
  
"And being employed by a drug dealer was certainly no position for a young woman."  
  
Okay, two things were so wrong with this. One: she was still ticked to heck at him for that. It was his job! He got paid to do it. Life's not fair; get over it! Two: more importantly, she knew he who he was.  
  
His mind cross-referenced those two thoughts and did something most unexpected. He screamed. Whole-heartedly screamed.  
  
She tittered behind her hand.  
  
"You were a bit slow this time Shinomori." She said devilishly.  
  
"How long."  
  
"Since Ai couldn't properly tie "her" obi. You have a most interesting way of atonement."  
  
"I will take my leave now." He replied mildly praying she'd let him go. Of course, wishful thinking rarely manifested.  
  
"You haven't asked me how to deal with your problem." She said from behind him. He resisted the urge to run and hide with only the most supreme effort.  
  
"I have another solution."  
  
"Do you? You'll bleed for at least another two days." She warned, but he had wrestled open the door and was gone into the night. He was going to bust some chops.  
  
The night was actually quite nice, but he ignored it all. He ignored the light breeze, the moonlight, and the three lechers he nailed on his way to the temple.  
  
"Come out here right now so I can hang you up by your little trotters!" He screamed once he got there. Aoshi was a calm, self-contained man. He would never stoop so low as to scream at a pig in daylight. However, the night belonged to the ninja most of all. Not to mention all the monks were asleep.  
  
There was a slight noise and a black shadow detached from the walls. The little porker glanced up with bleary, seedy eyes. She rubbed her face with a foot and yawned showing blunt teeth.  
  
"Change me back!" He demanded. "Being a woman is not desirable."  
  
"I never said it was. I wonder what it is like to be female?"  
  
He didn't comment that she sure looked and sounded female to him. That wasn't the point.  
  
She yawned again and slumped, "I was sleeping. What do you want stupid mortal? If I wasn't so sleepy I'd-." Another jaw-cracking jaw, "Turn you into a truffle for your insolence. Then I would feed you to my pets."  
  
"Do it." He hissed.  
  
She blinked rapidly and snorted, "Do what?"  
  
"Change me back into a man."  
  
"Well, if you thought you were that before…" She shook her head in a patronizing fashion, "But I can't."  
  
He gripped his side and wished for a sharp, pointy object.  
  
"Why not."  
  
"Take a look in a pond or something. You humans are a selfish, oblivious bunch. No consideration for the fact that night is for sleeping. If you wish to continue this inane conversation tomorrow morning at a decent hour… Well, too bad for you maggot. You still annoy me."  
  
There was a small pond in the corner of the courtyard. All the fish were sleeping. He stared down at them. What the heck was he looking for in a pond? His sharp eyes noticed that the pond need to be cleaned, that one of the fish was missing a fin, that that leaf right there looked like a fox… crap. He refused to go back until she had changed him back!  
  
He slumped down against a wall in defeat.   
  
And woke up to Misao's loud, screechy voice right in his ear.  
  
"Aoshi-sama, you fell asleep up here again! Sleeping outside isn't too good for you, you know?"  
  
He blinked and looked at her in confusion. She had called him Aoshi. Did that mean…? He whirled and looked down at the pond's surface. Long bangs shielded normal blue eyes—no extra thick lashes or ridicules irises—and it was shorn in the back. He traced his sharp jaw and felt his chest. He probably looked ridicules feeling himself up, but he had to be certain.  
  
"Aoshi-sama, we should get back. What kind of dream were you having? It looked like a nightmare. That's why I woke you up. You looked terrified. It was kind of creepy." Misao chattered.  
  
A dream? A nightmare.   
  
"And Aoshi-sama?"  
  
"Yes Misao." He replied noticing his voice had dropped and his nails were blunt again.  
  
"Why are you wearing a woman's kimono?"  
  
Laughter echoed in the temple and then a pouty voice remarked into the breeze, "I should have turned you into a pig."  
  
A/N: O__O *is sleep deprieved* It's done! It's 1 am. Unfortunately, I was playing the fun game of find interesting links and follow them. Shinsengumi-manga-related. But I'd like to thank some people. First off, J (fyyrrose) you slacked! You get no recognition. And I'm still mad at you for 18. There will be retribution! To my mother who helped me with the flow on the first chapter and helped me with some of the dialogue/pick up lines. To my Grandmother who patiently listened to me run some Aoshi/Megumi dialogue past her and actually found it funny. And to my Aunt who commented my humor is dark and very dry and that I'd like Ladykillers. Hope all y'all enjoyed it! *winces* BSR beckons. I can't chicken out of the big battle at the end.  
  
MissBehavin: You know I have to bring the man in. He's essential for a humor fic. Does deranged and egotistical answer your question? Sano has his moments (actually, I felt bad for killing him ^^). Aoshi should just lock himself away from humanity. Look at the damage he's done being social! Tokio is a tyrant from hell *starts laughing*. Yes, it would. No wonder the poor man is so cynical and sadonic.   
  
Trupana: Because only Saitoh could have a lil brat? It wasn't originally that, but then I was like, oh, good way to bring the psycho cop in. Tokio is a woman of many forms and personalities. I got tired of making her polite or wise or nice or considerate. I pick on everyone *grins* Misao doesn't bother me because she chatters X__X but I'd imagine it'd get tiresome. It was the table or someone's hand. That quote came directly from my mother *chokes*Or at least the first part. Aoshi would NEVER use such a sad pick up line. ONLY Sano could do something like that and pull it off ^^ Can you picture Kenshin saying something cheesy O.o;;   
  
Ken: Er, the only thing your eyes... forgive me! Sano is making me do this! *gets whacked*... haven`t told me is... @_@ your name?  
  
And, *chokes* does this chapter answer your question? Oh yes, messy. I wear dark pants. Yes, my mother is unconventional -__-' I blame her for my current state of mind.  
  
Shimizu Hitomi: *whistles* Megumi had some payback in mind. Aoshi needs to learn to be a better actor(ess). Ki can't really be helped, but mannerisms can. I would love it if someone would do that! I, sadly, cannot draw people to save my life. Well, anything actually. I haven't worked on my artistic ability for almost half a year.  
  
Fyyrrose: A little? Which idea for Saitoh? The canal was my idea through and through *chokes* Well, you can always buy a new monitor if you work. Take your musing. Let me finish BSR then we'll play with TTUH. I'll finish up to the point where we left off at lunch. No one ever dared to use them on me! I was reading psych and was like, okay, I've never a) received sexual looks b) or comments c) everyone still has body parts because no touches. I give off the mess with me and die aura I guess. Even stupid guys get it instinctively. SL made the comment that they were creepy, how close they looked. I said the creepy thing was that Susumu looked more like a woman than his sister did! Except the front you know. There, it's only 35 pages. Not too bad. I need to see 20! Not that I care about Suzu or Yoshida or Tetsu, but I've seen the rest so I have to see that too! Two words: pig drawings.  
  
eriesalia: *shrugs* I'm *sweatdrop* a bit fearless with my writing in case you haven't noticed. Well, they both died. They both end up gay or het. Just think of it as a sign of favoritism ^__^ My brother commented I should just stick them together O____________O*snickers* I can't stand Misao or Kaoru in humor fics. I like Misao in BSR, but that's about it. Kaoru is like Yahiko. Who is she again? Oh yeah, that annoying character. 


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